A Patriarch in the Home

Priesthood Lesson Given at the Prairie 1st Ward Conference. March 13, 2005.

What are the various roles of a patriarch in the home?

• Husband
  Father
  Presiding Authority
  Priesthood Holder
  Revelator
  Leader
  Provider
  Watchman
  Protector
  Teacher
  Exemplar
  Builder of faith and character
  Interviewer

(My portion of the lesson was to discuss two of these aspects of a Patriarch in the Home, that of a teacher, and an exemplar. The notes I had prepared for the lesson appear below. I was actually only able to give about half of what I had prepared to the class. There as a lot of good participation and discussion from the those in attendance – which is good. I like it best when we can all teach one another, from the lesson of life that we have learned – which in turn takes advantage of the collective wisdom of the group.)

Teaching

Who is responsible for the teaching of our children?

- Ultimately the responsibility of the parents.

- We cannot leave this responsibility to others (primary, Sunday school, YM/YW.)These are only meant to be a resource to help parents in their duty.

What are the best opportunities we have to each our children?

Family Home Evening

Family Scripture Study

Personal Interviews

When else?

- When they ask you a question

- One-on-one time (camping trips, rides to the store, evening out with dad).

In order to be an effective teacher, we must first have a solid relationship with our children. If we don’t see much of our children, because of outside activities, how can we have a strong relationship with them?

We had an adage in my mission that said: “They won’t care how much you know, until they know how much you care.”

To be an effective teacher, our children must know of our love and concern for them. This is not only exemplified in what we say to our children but in our interactions with them.

Last week, I was talking with a member of my High Priest’s group, in my own ward. He had the same kind of flu that I have been struggling with this week. He had sustained some damage to his voice box through it all. Half jokingly-he said my kids love it! -- I can’t yell at them for another 3 weeks!

Now I know he was just joking, but we need to examine what the bulk of our communications are with our children. It is positive, or is it negative? Are we speaking with calm and kindly voices, or are we doing a lot of yelling?

Too many of us are like the father of the little boy who cried: “You always tell me when you’re disappointed in me. Why don’t you ever tell me when you’re appointed in me?”

Last night, I held my 9-year-old daughter on my knee. I asked her, “Do you think I love you?”

She said “yes”.

I said, how do you know that I love you? Here is what her answer was:

You compliment me

You do nice things for me

You ask me questions

The way you way you wake me up in the morning

I tell her that I love her, usually more than once each day. But notice that it was in the more in the everyday associations, and actions that she knew of my love for her, move than the “I love You’s”.

That’s not to shortchange the importance of the words “I love You”.

Ten thousand high school students in Kansas were asked what question they would ask their parents and want a straight answer on. Eighty percent replied: “Do you love me?”

The next most asked question: “If you had to do it all over again, would you have me?”

It is vital for us as fathers to make sure that our children know that they are loved, wanted. Our effectiveness as a teacher will be limited if they don’t know that we love them and care for them, and that we truly have their best interests at heart.

The power of example

Just as your power as a teach will be limited, if your children to not know that you love them, the impact of your teaching will also be limited if your actions are not consistent with your words.

In many ways, the more powerful lessons that we will teach our children will come in the form of the example we have set.

While they may (occasionally) remember our words, they will always be able to recall our actions. Our actions will replay in their minds, over and over again, and likely will be remembered throughout their lives.

The actions that will have the most impact, will be the actions you take in your interpersonal relations with your family.

How do you treat your wife?

Your role as a patriarch in the home not only involves how you treat your children, but also how you treat your wife.

Your children are very observant. If you treat your wife with love, and kindness, with gentleness and respect, your children will in turn have respect for you.

However, if you speak unkindly, or are abusive to your wife in any way, your children will resent you. What’s worse, the same cycle of abuse will continue when your sons becomes husbands as well.

President David O McKay said: “The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother”.

The amount of peace and security that comes to a child from a loving relationship between husband and wife cannot be underestimated.

This is one of the great gifts that I received from my father. He was always a peaceable man. As I was growing up, rarely did I ever hear any sharp words between my mother and father.

I never realized what a great blessing this was, until after I left home. Many of my roommates in college, and missionary companions were not blessed with such homes. This had a negative impact on their spiritual development, and upon their own feelings of self-worth and self confidence.

How do you treat your children?

How do you interact with your children. Are we spending so much of our time correcting and directing them, that we don’t take time to compliment them and build them.

As patriarchs in the home, it is our duty to see that our children live in a nurturing environment, where each child feels loved and valued.

Take time to pay them compliments. Let them know that you are proud of their accomplishments. Again, actions speak louder than words – pay attention to what they are doing. Make every attempt to attend special events that they participate in, such as musical programs, recitals, athletic events, talks that they may give, etc. Make sure that they know you are interested in them, and in their lives.

If you have a kind and loving relationship with your children, they will be more likely to listen to your teachings.

A bad example

If our actions are not consistent with our words, our teachings will not be nearly as effective. To paraphrase Alma, “When they see your conduct, they will not believe in your words.”

The power of your teachings

Do not underestimate the power of your teachings. Do not be weary in pursuing your righteous goals to have daily scripture study, family prayers, and weekly Home Evenings. Even if your kids are squirming and seeming to not pay attention, your words and efforts are being recorded in their minds.

You never know when the day may come when they will need to know the things you have taught them.

One of the duties if the Holy Ghost, is to bring “all things to our remembrance, which have been taught unto us.”

My favorite example of this is from the life of Alma the younger. Alma had been taught well by his father, Alma. When the Angel appeared to Alma the Younger, he was struck down, and was wracked with the memory of his many sins. Lets read in Alma Chapter 36: 16-20.

16 And now, for three days and for three nights was I racked, even with the ^apains of a ^bdamned soul.

17 And it came to pass that as I was thus ^aracked^• with torment, while I was ^bharrowed^• up by the ^cmemory^• of my many sins, behold, I ^dremembered^• also to have heard my father prophesy unto the people concerning the coming of one Jesus Christ, a Son of God, to atone for the sins of the world.

18 Now, as my mind caught hold upon this thought, I cried within my heart: O Jesus, thou Son of God, ^ahave^• mercy on me, who am ^bin^• the ^cgall^• of bitterness, and am encircled about by the everlasting ^dchains^• of ^edeath.

19 And now, behold, when I thought this, I could remember my ^apains ^bno^• more; yea, I was harrowed up by the memory of my sins no more.

20 And oh, what ^ajoy^•, and what marvelous light I did behold; yea, my soul was filled with joy as exceeding as was my pain!

You never know when your own teachings will be brought to remembrance in the minds of your children. Like, Alma, it might be in a moment of extreme need. It might be in a moment when their eternal destiny might hinge on a single decision. The words of truth and testimony that you teach your children, may be just the thing that pulls them through, during the fiery trials of their lives.

Leave with them a legacy of honor, of truth and of testimony. It will be a legacy that can span the generations.

The culmination of all our efforts as a Patriarch in the home could be summed up by the invitation: "Come Follow Me, as I follow Christ."